Misinformation

Chupacabras

August 2005

Your Question

Our Response

Well now, that's a comprehensive question!

Before we get into the details of your inquiry, here's a little background on chupacabra (rhymes with "candelabra").

Cryptozoologists have been hunting chupacabra for decades in both Mexico and the southern United States. The creature is the size of a human child, can fly, prefers to move by night, and has needle-like teeth that it uses to pierce the throats of its prey. Its favorite food is the blood of domesticated animals, and the most common remains of its meals are the dry husks of goats and sheep found by hapless farmers and ranchers.

El chupacabras, as it is known in its native Mexico, was a deep mystery until 2005 when a couple on vacation in Tijuana purchased a baby chupacabra from a man in a shadowy alley for $5, believing the creature to be a small hairless dog. They brought it to a vet after the cute little creature ate a neighbor's St. Bernard, and the vet immediately grabbed the thing, threw it in the animal destruction chamber, "put it to sleep" as quickly as possible, and sold the remains to the Weekly World News. From this specimen, comes most of our modern knowledge about the creatures.

Now, to answer your specific questions.

Why nothing else has been said about it in the media in the last years.

The media is, as you well know, just a tool of the government, and the government is afraid that people will be driven to panic if they know that there is a monster loose in the nation, sucking up goats. They prefer to rely on their own resources, ejecting any chupacabras from the country that are caught without a green card.

Was the media silenced by some secret conspiracy?

Yes, as I said.

Who wants to prevent the public from knowing the truth?

I already answered that. Let's move along here.

Is it true that the lack of recent reports of sightings of the Yeti, Bigfoot, and Nessie is due to the extinction of these species because of the introduction of the alien organism known as "El Chupacabras"?

An interesting theory, but no. It's too cold in the Himilayas for chupacabras, and Nessie is out of reach because the things can't swim. Bigfoot could eat these things for breakfast.

The extinction of these other fabled creatures is, according to sources deep within the Al Franken media network, most likely attributable to global warming, expanded forestry, or something else that can be blamed on the Bush administration.

Has "El Chupacabras" altered or changed the ecosystem of our planet beyond predating or competing for resources or preying upon established species as those mentioned above?

Yes. Their diet causes them to give off a prodigious amount of methane. When a chupacabra is nearby, it is best to extinguish open flames.

Have other species been affected?

Have you noticed a change in the global smell over the last decade or so? If you have, that answers your question.

Is "El Chupacabras" an alien organism, or some altered organism created by aliens on Earth, using DNA from native creatures or a mix of alien and native (including human) DNAs? Is it an experiment to determine how aliens can adapt themselves to our world? Have the number of sightings of El Chupacabras been reduced in the last years due to termination of the experiment? Will the aliens attempt to take over our world now that they have finished to gather the information they wanted?

Chupacabras are normal Earth creatures that evolved from a group of genetically isolated chihuahas. Aliens took over the world in 1963. You should pay more attention.

Cattle mutilation in the US was caused by "El Chupacabras", or by a previous experimental organism created by the Aliens? Does the current version of "El Chupacabras" (3.2, I think) have psionic powers? What other superhuman feats can be accomplished by this organism?

You are seriously off base here. I suggest that you no longer rely on late-night public radio for your scientific information.

For the record, cattle mutilations are not caused by anything alien. They are the simple leftovers from attacks of Minnesota piranha fly swarms.

By the way, let me know where and when can I find these things, and how can I kill them.

Chupacabras are relatively easy to kill. Poison gas will do it, as will small explosives. If you are unarmed, just grab the thing's tongue and rip it out. It'll die within days (but be careful, because it will fight light a demon right up to the end).

Let me know if you need anything else.

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