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Urban Legends

The Second Coming Project

The Legend

Found on the Internet in November 2004

The Second Coming Project is a non-profit organization intent on bringing about the second coming of our Lord Jesus Christ through scientific means. His return was prophesied in the Bible but has been long in coming, and those faithful who have become impatient have gathered together to technologically force the issue.

The original goal of The Second Coming Project was to collect a sample of Jesus DNA from one of the many holy relics preserved in shrines and churches around the globe, insert it in an unfertilized egg, implant that in the womb of a young virgin volunteered by a board of experts, and time the birth for December 25, 2000. Unfortunately, there were some complications and the birth of Jesus 2.0 had to be delayed.

The first complication came when it was discovered that the blood samples we'd gotten from the Shroud of Turin had somehow become contaminated with what appeared to be tempera paint. We couldn't find any DNA in there at all. Samples were obtained of Jesus' foreskin from the shrines of Our Lady of the Blessed Foreskin in Italy, Church of the Holy One in Spain, and a Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum in Las Vegas. Jesus' 2.1, 2.2, and 2.3 were born from these samples, but one was mentally handicapped, one was obviously of Asian descent, and the third was a girl (which we're still trying to explain). A vial of our Savior's blood from the Chapel of the Miraculous Wound in southern Mexico also proved to have no DNA content, so the Project decided to stick with more fleshy relics. Locks of Jesus' hair from St. Samson's Bassilica in France and The Temple of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Relics in Santa Barber, California, were used for versions 2.4 and 2.5, as well as redundant Saviors 2.6, 2.7, 2.8, and 2.9, created just in case abnormalities experienced in earlier attempts to bring on the apocalypse were due to laboratory error or some defect in the cloning process. Unfortunately, none of them looked quite as expected, and an attempt to see if one could crawl on water led to a Child Protective Services investigation and large legal bills.

At this point, The Second Coming Project is still quite interested in proceeding with its mission, but we could use the help of true believers such as yourself in three ways:

  1. If you have a holy relic that would benefit our mission, we would love to hear from you. A certificate of authenticity would be appreciated (we've been repeatedly burned on eBay).
  2. We are having increasing difficulty locating virgins of the appropriate age to act as surrogate mothers for the reborn King of the Jews. Photogenic, immaculately conceived 18- to 24-year-olds are preferred.
  3. Know someone who would be interested in adopting a child that has only one parent and may be supernatural? Give us a call!

To raise additional funds, we have cloned a variety of trees from splinters from the true cost. If you would be interested in purchasing one or in making a donation, please write to:

[address deleted]

Thank you, and God bless!


Behind the Legend

This one is factual, as far as it goes. Cloning technology has progressed to the point that cloning of pretty much anything is quite possible. There really is a Second Coming Project, they really have cloned a whole passel of Jesuses, and they really are looking for money. But will the cloning of Jesus really bring on the apocalypse? The answer is not known, but we have it on good authority that the folks at The Coming of the Beast Project are voting "Yes."


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