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Urban Legends

Gas War

The Legend

Submitted April 2005

GAS WAR!

You want to have gas, don't you? Then join the resistance!!!!

I hear that gas prices are going to hit close to $6.00 9/10 a gallon by the summer, thanks to the greed of oil companies and foreign powers, and people buying all the gas they want and doing nothing more than grumble when prices skyrocket. Remember back when gas reached $1.00 9/10 and we all thought that was high? No? Then ask your parents about it, they remember, and they were probably scarred for life.

Want gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some intelligent, united action against the secret American oil-company cartel. Phillip Hollsworth, noted economics expert and base player for punk band innSincere, offered this good idea: This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that was going around last April or May and did nothing but stop people from buying gas last April and May! The oil companies just laughed in their sinister, evil way at that because they knew we would some come crawling back to lick their boots and say "please" and "thank you" for their offered abuse. Plus it was really inconvenient, and who needs that? BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work.

Please read it and join with us unless you hate this country and all it stands for!

By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.78 9/10 is super cheap. Me too! (That is, I think gas at that price is cheap, not that I'm cheap.) It is currently $2.65 9/10 for regular unleaded in my town. Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.75 9/10, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace.... not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more than 10% each day, we consumers need to take action. Not drastic, violent, military action (at least not yet!), but action just the same. The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not letting them give us gas!

And, we can do that WITHOUT symbolically or literally stabbing ourselves in the eye. How? Since we all rely on our cars to the point that we have asses that conform perfectly to bucket seats, we can't just stop buying gas or even cut down on our driving. Be serious! But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force the oil barrons to bend to our collective will.

Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest companies, EXXON and MOBIL unless they are selling gas for less than $1.00 9/10. If they don't sell any gas, they will be forced to sell it cheaper or go out of business. And if they go out of business, we can do this to another company until it goes out of business, until all that is left is one big gas company in the whole country, and it'll be one that likes us and actually WANTS to charge low prices!!! But for this to work, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers.

It's really simple to do!! Now, don't worry, I don't expect you to personally get a million people to help with this, although it would be good if you did. But there's an easier way.

I am sending this note to about thirty (30) people. If each of you send it to, at least, ten more (30 x 10 = 300)... and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 + 30 x 10 = 3,300)... and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers! And soon after that, we will have told everyone in the world!! Just be sure that the 10 people you send this to are people who haven't already heard about our effort, or else you will be wasting one of your e-mails and the scheme will be ruined. A man in New Mexico sent this e-mail to 10 friends, and two days later he struck oil in his basement. A woman in California didn't tell anyone about this protest and she was hit by a bus. Think about it!

Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people who have e-mail (don't e-mail it to people without e-mail) and cars (if they don't have a car they're already not buying gas). That's all. (If you don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you have to do is send this to 10 people.... Well, let's face it, you're an idiot. Go ahead and send it to a million people yourself and ask 300 of your friends to do the same.)

Whether or not this makes sense to you, please pass this message on. PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES BELOW THE $1.00 9/10 RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. IF THIS WORKS, WE'LL KEEP IT UP UNTIL GAS IS FREE FOR EVERYONE!!!!

THIS CAN REALLY WORK.

God Bless your day!
Betty

(variant)

CLOTHING WAR!

You want to be able to see more hot young women, don't you? Then join the resistance!!!!

I hear that out here in California we have had record-breaking bad weather this year, and that's making women wear more clothes. Remember back when we had a good hot summer and almost every woman had shorts and a tube top or tight t-shirt? I sure do! I even took pictures!

Want women to start dressing like that again? We need to take some intelligent, united action against the abhorrent trend toward women wearing more practical clothes. They think we'll be happy with a little peek at their bellies? No!! Phillip Hollsworth, noted disco guy and visitor to the Playboy mansion, offered this good idea: This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "beg her until she flashes a little skin" campaign that Girls Gone Wild types uses when they meet drunk women! Real, sober women just laugh when you say that kind of thing because they know it means they have the power in the relationship. BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work.

Please read it and join with us (unless you aren't interested in women or are a woman yourself)!

By now you're probably thinking a glimpse of a tattoo peeking up over the pockets of tight jeans is pretty hot. Well heck with that! They've got us conditioned to think a little skin is PRACTICALLY NUDE. What are we QUAKERS? We need to take aggressive action to teach them that MEN know what makes men happy.... not women. The only way we are going to see skirts go up and necklines down is if we hit them  where it counts and not let go!

And, we can do that WITHOUT embarrassingly begging for every little bit we get. How? Since women all rely on attention to feel good about themselves, we can use that to our advantage.

Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T look at or talk to ANY woman wearing loose clothes, a bulky jacket, pants that reach below the thigh, flats, or anything with sleeves. If they don't get any attention, they will be forced to buy some better clothes or live a sad, sheltered life without men! When men are what make a woman's life worth living! And if you meet a girl who is dressed right, talk to her. Be polite!! Maybe ask her out if her clothes really show her off. If you meet a woman just walking down the street with 3" pumps, a g-string, and a tiny spaghetti-strap top, marry that woman! Give her cash! Buy her a car!! ANYTHING!!!! But for this to work, we need to reach literally millions of men across the country.

It's really simple to do!! Just forward this message to every dorm, fraternity, men's club, and guy you know of. Print it out and post it everywhere. We need every man in America working on this!!!

Whether or not you want to take part, please pass this message on. PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL EVERY WOMAN YOU SEE IS DRESSED JUST RIGHT. And remember, lesbians can take part in this, too. And gay men, you and your friends to do this to the guys who won't wear leather and tight jeans!

OH PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE MAKE THIS WORK.

God bless them, everyone!
Billy


Behind the Legend

This type of protest campaign is quite popular and, unlike many others, sometimes even works. A familiar example, the "We vote or you sleep alone" campaign, hastened the acceptance of women's suffrage almost a century ago.

Not all campaigns along these lines are a success however. Look at the move in England to avoid dentists until the price of orthodontic services goes down. That's been going on for more than 100 years and done nothing but create a nation of hideous smiles.

So will the two protests named above really work? For the gas one, who knows. Try it and see.

How about the one about women's clothing? I recommend you try that, too, if you are so inclined. As a woman, I can tell you right now that we'd love to have any man who finds this suggestion appealing ignore us. It'd be a nice change


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