Spreading Swine Flu
Swine flu is now the most deadly form of flu ever imagined, and scientists at the National Laboratory of Science say that by the end of the year everyone who does not take proper precautions will die, be near death, or die at some point in the future.
To make matters worse, some people recommend using hand sanitizer to prevent germs spreading, but according to popular government sources hand sanitizer is the #1 cause of spreading swine flu!!! Yes, you heard that right (and in bold): HAND SANITIZER SPREADS SWINE FLU!!!
Here's how it works. Every time your hands are filthy and covered in viruses, you reach for the bottle of hand sanitizer. That means that hand sanitizer bottles are always only picked up by hideous, germ-encrusted fingers, and the deadly viruses cling to the bottle's exterior like green on a grape. You sanitize your hands, but then touch the bottle again before putting it down, ruining the benefit of sanitization as the germs just jump from the bottle back to your hands and then infect you the next time you aren't looking.
What can you do? The best thing to do is to use hand sanitizer, but to wipe your hands with a germ-killing disposable wipe before touching the sanitizer bottle. Throw away the wipe before you touch the bottle, and let someone whose health you aren't that concerned about (e.g., a hated coworker or in-law) empty the trash. You can also use two bottles of sanitizer, using the first one to sanitize the second before sanitizing yourself, and then the second to sanitize the first and then yourself again. That also works.
Another option is to just ignore this information and not pass it along to loved ones, but then YOU'LL ALL DIE!!!
Behind the Legend
According to the Center for Pig-Borne Disease and Prevention, there are five main risk factors for catching swine flu:
Nowhere on this list is hand sanitizer mentioned, so we think the above rumor can be disregarded.